1.“What if she gets homesick?” 2. “What if she wants to come home?” 3. “Can I come and get her if she doesn’t like it?”
TLDR: 1. She probably will. 2. It’s temporary. 3. No.
The above questions are totally normal. Even if they are not asked out loud to me, every parent has thought this and likely has asked their co-parent over and over and over.
My TLDR answers are savage, admittedly. And, meant to be funny, admittedly. And, actually very close to how I do answer the questions!
As parents, we are so eager to fix. It is heartbreaking to watch our kids feel sad. Home is where they feel safest and when our babies are with us, we know we can make them feel okay again.
But, that’s not the point, is it?
So, how do I, Kat, “fix” homesickness at camp?
I don’t.
I’m queen of the “yes, and….”
I al
ways tell my girls, “You can miss home AND love waterskiing”. “You can miss your family AND have fun at camp”. One feeling does not mean you can’t have the other. What we need to concentrate on is how to help the joy of dressing up with a tutu on your head outweigh missing their new puppy. Not to sound like a broken record here, but I also am painfully aware of how much easier this is for me at camp as your daughter’s camp director than it is for me as a mom to my own kids.
A couple months ago, a kid on my son’s soccer team told him that “he sucks”. Gross. He got into the car with that wall of tears he was holding back, you know the one, the one that makes you want to instantly vomit? He said he didn’t want to go back to soccer. He didn’t want to see those kids again and we couldn’t make him.
I knew enough not to talk. I knew that I would either say really not nice things about that boy or I’d tell him he can quit and let him curl up in my arms and never let him go. Instead, I listened. I told him that he made the team just like that other boy. And I told him he does NOT suck, but that the situation definitely does.
The next day we had a conversation. Quitting was not an option, but we can talk about what the optionsactually are. We talked about practicing more. We talked about how he could show up and not try. We talked about him asking the coach for extra tips and we discussed him asking his coach not to play him. We also talked about showing up and doing the best he can, because he likes soccer.
He ended up with the last option. He still shows up. He’s still not the best player on the team. And, he does really likes it. Turns out, it is his favorite sport to play.
He was sad, hurt, discouraged that night, AND, it does not outweigh his fun each week.
I don’t know if he’ll try out for the team again next year. I don’t know if he’ll want to. But that’s not the conversation. Quitting was not an option… but he still had choices.
I present it similarly at camp. You miss home. That feeling is big and hard. And, quitting, or going home, is not an option. Having an adult take that off the table is our job as grown-ups. So, then her choices are, I can do camp and focus on missing home and feeling sad. Or, I can do camp and “fake it til I make it”.
One of
the biggest compliments I received from a camper 251 years ago (7 years ago) was from one of the most homesick kids I have ever worked with. She talked to every counselor and grown up at camp looking to find someone to “fix” it, including trying to get someone to “let” her go home. Finally, after listening and talking through all the feelings, validating everything, weighing the pros and cons (I pulled out all the tricks), I told her, “You gotta fake it til you make it”. She looked at me like I was nuts. She came back to me later that week and told me it was the best advice she received. It worked for her. It was because I didn’t try to fix it. I was the grown-up that gave her choices: she had a choice, fake having fun or just be sad. Going home was not a choice (I eliminated that as an option- in conversation with her parents). And being sad is not fun. So, she decided to just go through the motions: she plastered a smile on her face, ran around during Capture the Flag, she stood up on the benches during lunch songs, dressed up as a lion for a Disney Lip Sych, and before she even had time to think about it, she was having fun. She still missed home, but the fun she was having far outweighed anything else. You’ll be happy to know she came back for the next 6 years at camp, through her Pine Manor summer, and even spent a couple of summers as an 8 week camper.
There are a lot of “What ifs?” in our lives. And as parents we really want to predict and “Fix” all the bumps in the road for our kids. And, wouldn’t it be better if we just helped our kids prepare for the bumps?
Camp is not utopic, it is not without its challenges AND, it is fun, AND she is not alone. We are right there with her. She will miss you AND learn to sail. She might have a hard time falling asleep at night AND feel better when a counselor gives her a hug. She will wish she was at home in her own bed with your cuddles AND laugh while she and her cabinmates play flashlight tag on the ceiling of the cabin.
What if she is homesick….AND discovers she loves horseback riding?
What if she wants to come home…AND changes her mind when she meets her new best friend at camp?
What if she doesn’t like it at first…AND discovers she is strong, she is brave, she is capable and discovered all ofthis because she was able to experience a month-long summer camp experience?
It is all in the “yes, and…”